You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
