the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
