Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
