Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
