i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
