you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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