it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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