I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think your dad took our porno
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Couch. On fire.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
