i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
