so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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