When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
