So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
