Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think I just shit out all my problems.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
