In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
