I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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