im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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