have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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