I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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