Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
