I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do herpes really smell.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So squirting runs in the family.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
