these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
