Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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