Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
