hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
