I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
