3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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