Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
