We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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