Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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