I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
