and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
