The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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