I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
FUCK WHALES
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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