omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
