i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
