i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
