Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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