I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
