Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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