The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
