Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
