haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
