phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
