the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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