Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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