I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
