the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
