Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
