bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
