i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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