if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
